Ringwraiths and Vacuum Cleaners
by Lock Owl
Summary: Beings of Middle-earth in modern times. Chapter Two: Pippin and the Conscession Stand (now up), Chapter Three: Elrond and the Confessional (coming soon). R for language
1. Aragorn and the Custody Battle

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any recognizable characters and/or places. (Aralya, Tarragon, Orión, and Ariell are my characters)  
  
Chapter One: Aragorn and the Custody Battle  
  
*****  
  
Arwen Evenstar, with all of her Elven grace, stomped up the many flights of stairs to her apartment. The elevator was working, of course, but if she went up the stairs she could pretend that each step was that useless ex- husband of hers, and step on him very hard. Honestly, if he wanted anything to do with her children--  
  
Arwen's thoughts were interrupted as she came to her door and found a woman sobbing in a manner not unlike one might find in a Meryl Streep film. Only this woman had considerably better hair, and was not doing some such time- wasting thing (in Arwen's opinion) as teaching ghetto children the violin or trying to save her family from a river-rafting villain.  
  
"Why hello, Galadriel, what brings you here?" Arwen asked.  
  
"That miserable bastard--oh, I'm sorry dear, hello, it's quite nice to see you," Galadriel said. "Might we go inside?"  
  
"Of course," Arwen replied. Another woman was just what she needed right now. She hefted her brown paper grocery bag to the other arm, fumbled for her keys, and opened her apartment, admitting Galadriel and herself. "Alcohol?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Preference? I've got everything, of course, everything except--"  
  
"Ale," the two women said together. "Why do the men always have to drink ale?"  
  
Arwen decided it would be best for both of them to get completely sauced, and so poured two generous glasses of sherry. "So, what has Celeborn been up to?"  
  
"I don't know, but her name is Terry," Galadriel replied.  
  
"What an awful name!"  
  
"I know! Of course, I only heard him speaking of her once, but apparently she is a prostitute! He mentioned buying her, so I know that she's a whore. And that Elessar, what has he been doing?"  
  
"Nothing, he's after the children now, bloody stupid castrated--"  
  
"Is he really?"  
  
"After the children? Yes."  
  
"No, castrated."  
  
"Oh. No, he isn't."  
  
"But speaking of which, where are they? Your children, I mean."  
  
"Upstairs. Eldarion's watching the girls. Honestly, any age for a lifetime, poor boy is stuck being nineteen. You would never believe the fun he has with it, though, he's been to sixteen different colleges and universities."  
  
"And the girls? I always confused them, you know how they valued boys back in the good old days."  
  
"Yes. . .well, there's Aralya, eighteen and not incredibly different from Eldarion with all this schooling--women in schools, what's next?--, Orión who will forever be seven, Ariell at four--my favourite, sweetest thing-- and--" this next name was said with scorn "--Tarragon, fourteen."  
  
"Awful names, really, it sounds as though you've got three boys, one girl, and a spice!" Galadriel exclaimed.  
  
"Well that wasn't my doing, was it?"  
  
Meanwhile, in a pub not so very far off, Aragorn was saying, "Bloody bitch, taking my children like that! Back in the good old days, she could be killed! Oh, yes. . .those were the days. She wasn't even a proper mother then, slut that she is. . ."  
  
"Mate, you're smashed. It's time to go home," Legolas said.  
  
"Oh, you're right. You're always right, aren't you?"  
  
"Now that you mention it, yes I am," Legolas said. "Come on." And slowly but surely, he coaxed the rather drunken ex-Ranger of the North out of the pub and down the road. A mile later, they reached the small house which the two of them shared, living off the royalties of that book they wrote just after that war.  
  
"Arwen has no right to do half of this--to take away half of what she took. Stupid actress--"  
  
"I couldn't agree more."  
  
Aragorn and Legolas jumped, turning to see a young girl sitting at their kitchen table. In front of her sat an open book, a bag of miniature Snickers candies, and a bottle of Coca-Cola. Two dark braids stuck out from her head, but it was the eyes that really gave her away. "Tarragon!" Legolas and Aragorn cried at once.  
  
"Hullo, Legolas. Hullo, Dad," Tarragon said, tipping her Coke to them before taking a sip. "I've decided to stay with you for a bit. Even though Mum says you're both gay lovers and on crack, I'm pretty sure that was just the booze talking."  
  
"Okay--" Aragorn began to say, but Legolas shook his head.  
  
" I wouldn't suggest that, if you ever want to see her again," Legolas said. "You know we've got that wizard staying, and you know what he thinks of women. And what about Gollum, eh?" Gandalf was a senile pervert who had been arrested eighty-eight times on charges of rape--the same each time-- and Gollum lived under the stairs and scared the wits out of most visitors.  
  
"Feed it to Gollum," Aragorn mumbled.  
  
"Feed WHAT to Gollum?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Gandalf. Feed it to Gollum, problem solved."  
  
"So, has Gandalf ever. . .you know. . .wither of you?" Tarragon asked. "Anyway, if it's really that much of a deal I can always stay at a hotel. They've got better food and better beds."  
  
"We--"  
  
"Live off of spaghetti-Os and microwaveable dinners, and Gollum eats raw fish," Tarragon finished. "Anyway, it was very nice to see you, and I'm sure mum will be suing again soon, so I'll see you in court!" She gathered her belongings and jumped out the window.  
  
"I am so glad I stayed a bachelor," Legolas said.  
  
"What about that--"  
  
"Say it and die," Legolas threatened, remembering all too well that Vegas wedding to Gimli.  
  
"Oh, you were such a beautiful bride," Aragorn said, faking a swoon. Legolas jumped at him, knocking him to the floor. The Elf began to strangle his friend, who fought back in a similar fashion. Neither realized the phone was ringing until Gimli, awoken by the twelfth ring, said, "For you," jammed the phone to Aragorn's ear, and left.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"YOU TOOK MY DAUGHTER YOU GODDAMNED BASTARD!"  
  
"Hello Arwen. . ."  
  
*****  
  
O.k., that's all for now. Next chapter, the cinema! That should be fun. . . 


	2. Pippin and the Concession Stand

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof. **(no! i do!) **(ß my beta-reader said this. I found it amusing and so left it in)  
  
Author's Note: Okay, I tried to write Merry's and Pippin's accents, so…that explains it.  
  
*****  
  
"Ah'm bored," Pippin announced loudly. The entire Fellowship of the Household had managed to convene in one spot for one purpose: breakfast. For the hobbits, this happened naturally, as they were always eating, so they were always at the table. Merry and Pippin had managed some combination no other would eat; Sam and Frodo were actually decent cooks and so had proper food. Although Legolas had pointed out that perhaps he ought not do everything Arwen accused him of, Aragorn sat hunched over, eating raw spaghetti-Os from the can. For this reason Gimli and Legolas had opted not to sit by him, and instead were at the opposite end of the table trying to appear very uninterested. Gandalf had taken Gollum's raw fish out of the refrigerator and was eating those.  
  
"Try getting a job then," Gandalf suggested. Legolas glanced at him, and Gandalf glared in return. Legolas hurriedly returned to his breakfast and elected to ignore the incident.  
  
"Ah don't want to work," Pippin said. "And anywey, you huven't goet one."  
  
"That doesn't mean I haven't gone to the interviews…" Gandalf chuckled, and it was silently agreed by the more mature members of the fellowship that they would not be inquiring any further as to how those interviews went.   
  
"So, Legolas," said Aragorn, trying desperately to find another topic to settle on, "what ever caused that multitude of shimmering particles in my sock drawer?"  
  
Legolas drew a blank, looking horrified. Finally, as the rest of the fellowship was watching him expectantly, he exclaimed, "Good point, Aragorn, I do need more glitter! I think today I shall have to go and buy some…"  
  
Within fifteen minutes every member of the household had found some decent excuse to come with him (Aragorn needed to go to the laundromat to wash his socks, Pippin and Merry needed more crayons to draw accurate maps for world domination, Gandalf threatened to use his staff against them all if he couldn't go along and no one was sure if he meant Wizarding Staff or not and Gimli was quite fond of the X-acto knives at the art store. Sam had to stay home to babysit Frodo, whose paranoia was something of a bother in public, and Boromir was dead. "I TOLD YOU TO HAVE HIM EMBALMED!", the fight started up again.)  
  
Unfortunately, on the way to the art store they passed the cinema. "Ohh, 'Kangaroo Jack' is playing! Legolas, drop us ooff at the cinema!"  
  
Legolas, who was driving, muttered, "Pippin, we are going to the art store, not to the cinema."  
  
"Aw, please, Legolas?" Merry begged.  
  
"Just let them, before they have temper tantrums!" Gimli pleaded.  
  
"FINE!" Legolas swerved, hitting six cars but managing to secure a parking space. "Everybody, get out!" It was clear that he truly meant everybody. To the full surprise of the other members, Legolas himself got out as well. "Gandalf, take the hobbits to see 'Kangaroo Jack'."  
  
"I don't have to listen to you," Gandalf replied. "You're just a snooty Elf." But he, Merry, and Pippin, ran excitedly to the ticket counter, going "boing" and hopping.  
  
"Do you two want to see a movie?" Legolas asked.  
  
"All right." Said Gimli  
  
"Anything Kung-Fu," Aragorn specified.  
  
After squinting at the titles, Legolas replied, "Chicago?"  
  
"Yeah, all right."

  
**(pop. six. squish. uhuh. cicero. lipschitz. pop. six. squish. _uhuh._ cicero. lipschitz.)** (my beta-reader being funny again)

*****  
  
As none of them had the problem of identification, and none of them caused any trouble, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli managed to get into the theater first. "Popcorn," Legolas stated.  
  
Aragorn looked at him side-long. "You've never had this urgency to eat before."  
  
"I've never had to worry about hobbits trying to swim in my food before!"  
  
"Right. Popcorn."  
  
After securing a tub of popcorn about the size of Gimli and three bottles of water (Legolas said that sharing was completely disgusting and totally last century), they found the proper theatre and found seats. This also was a problem, as Legolas could not sit too close to any speakers, if they were in front there would be cries of "down in front!" due to Elven height, and in back Gimli would not be able to see at all. Finally they decided to sit in front, and bugger everyone else.  
  
*****  
  
"Halflings! Two should get in for the price of one! HALFlings!"  
  
Mindy had just gotten the job at the ticket counter. She liked her job. She liked the benefits and the pay. But she did not like the strange and likely drunk old man insisting that his children or whatever were only half people. "Okay," she agreed, charging up two tickets but handing him three.  
  
The strange old man, being Gandalf, and his two children or whatever, being Merry and Pippin, headed off, the children or whatever merrily discussing mushroom pies.  
  
Five minutes later, they caused yet another terrible commotion. "POPCORN! AH MUST HUVE POPCORN!"  
  
"No, Pippin!" Merry said, restraining him by the back of his jacket. Pippin finally managed to shrug off his jacket and dive into the large bin of popcorn, eating like mad.  
  
"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf roared, pointing his staff at the bin. Pippin came flying out, pinned against the ceiling.  
  
"It burns, it burns!" Pippin cried.  
  
"Whaut are you talking aboot?" Merry asked.  
  
"The popcorn oil," said Jake, the candy counter employee. Jake had had a strange day. First the three gay men, then this little boy and this old guy... . .he was ready to quit! Instead, he just called an ambulance.  
  
*****  
  
"That was quite good fun, we ought to do it more often," Legolas said.  
  
"Yes, well, while I never suspected Renee Zellwegger of the ability to act in a semi-serious role--oh no."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Legolas...your car..."  
  
"I've gotten a ticket??" Ripping the little sheet of paper off the windshield**,** he read it. "No...this is even worse...."   
  
*****  
  
As strangling a person is against hospital regulations, Legolas had to wait until Pippin was back home to start whacking him. This made Legolas feel quite good, and made Pippin beat a hasty retreat up to his room and not come down until the next meal. The topic of hospital bills was discussed over and over. "I am not paying these," Legolas said stubbornly.  
  
"Well someone has to," Aragorn pointed out.  
  
"I'm not the one who jumped into a vat of oil," Legolas replied haughtily. In the end, Legolas and Aragorn did pay the hospital bills, but not without wanting a bit of revenge. "I need vengeance," Legolas told Aragorn.  
  
"Oh, don't worry, I have the perfect idea…"  
  
A week later, "But I don't want to go to school!" Merry whined.  
  
"Too...bad..." Aragorn replied, tugging Merry up the hill by the back of his jacket.  
  
"We'll be good!" Pippin promised.  
  
"You never are," Legolas replied, hauling Pippin along by his arm.  
  
"No-o-o-o-o-o!" The two howled together, and probably would have gone on howling had Aragorn not whacked Merry upside the head.  
  
Finally the four reached the school, all quite exhausted and a bit mangled. Legolas had taken hold of Merry and Pippin now, and dragged them both into the main office, Aragorn not far behind. "I believe I called about enrollment?" Legolas gasped.  
  
"Oh, yes," said Janet, that woman who sits in the office and never seems to do a damn thing. "So," she said to Merry and Pippin, "are you boys excited about starting school?"  
  
"No," Pippin said.  
  
"We're not here by choice," Merry said. "They made us come."  
  
"Well," said Janet, "I'm sure your daddy and his...friend...mean well."  
  
Aragorn fell against Legolas, laughing so hard he couldn't stand up properly. Unfortunately, this seemed an extremely, um, non-platonic thing to do. He sobered up at once. "We aren't gay," he said. Merry and Pippin finally understood and howled with laughter. After filling in a few forms and such, Legolas and Aragorn were very pleased to be allowed to leave--and to leave the hobbits until half-past three.  
  
Of course, after Pippin got his own back by calling, "'Bye, Daddy!" after them, Legolas had to restrain Aragorn almost violently, muttering, "Not in public places, not in public places!"


End file.
